Real Life

No one can imagine how I needed a break from everyone and everything including my family. So, after being away, I think I finally found myself once again. This summer was my worst summer vacation ever and I regret many choices I made that affected me badly and I no longer want to repeat those mistakes ever again.

Currently, Internship is cornering me into a boring routine where I repeat the same thing over and over again making me think I'm living a nightmare or re-living everyday. It's sucking my energy completely till I can't do anything else or contact anyone. My life lately have been revolving around sleeping and reading Holy Quran with nothing else to do. Let's hope this routine will fade to exist after Eid.


"I wonder when will I be able to see the next sunset?"

A Vist To The Past

Last weekend, I went out shopping in my city for bathroom stuff like shampoo, body lotion, Johnson products and etc. I had this urge while being out to go to a shop that was next to our old home. I wanted to go inside, but my bro didn't let me. I was going to ignore him and go inside it anyway, but seeing how small it is and crowded with guys, I changed my mind. It was 10 pm and I asked my bro to buy a lot of candies, chips, soft drinks and etc from the shop.

I don't know why I had this feeling, but I truly wanted to go back to the old me, the me who saw that shop huge at that time, the me who was pure knowing nothing about the real world, the me who was innocent holding no grudge to anyone. I just missed those old days. Some people still tell me that I'm way too innocent, but I disagree with them. I've been through a lot of pain in this life that made me trust no one. My best friends are the only ones who has my trust, but since I've been betrayed more than once before, it made me ready for anything from anyone even those who are close to me.

"Trust is truly a nightmare that's why you shouldn't be too absorbed in it. It's the same with love which is another nightmare that makes you blind to see what's truly going on in front of you."

However, I still need to taste the latter in order to confirm it since I only felt it radiating from the others.

~A lesson I learned recently~

When you lose your way and path in the present life, go back to the past and search for who you were, eventually, you'll find your path again and manage to walk through it to the future.

Darkness

Everything seems to be dark lately. My days pass by very slowly in a very boring way. I'm not sure whether I'm regretting taking 2 summer courses where I can't do anything at all.

The weather is too hot to bear and I can't believe I didn't buy an umbrella or a new sunglasses yet. I also kissed the sleep goodbye this summer since my room in the hostel is very hot. I can't sleep well and I keep tossing around trying to stand the heat, but it doesn't work.

I hate the way things are right now and I wish that I would have time to at least have fun or learn something new. I miss sitting with my friends and chatting with them, but with a weather like that, I hate going out even to my classes, but I'm forced to.

Seems like everyone around me have been telling me that I'm in a gloomy mood almost all the time and I snap from little things. I do agree with them since the summer I have imagined have been totally different than what I am having right now. Hopefully, this will change soon...

I wonder if my summer will shine with colors soon??

♥ To my Friends ♥

This semester been a complete mess and I've been extremely busy with school and projects that I didn't have time for most of you anymore. I missed many of you and been enjoying the company of some of you. There are words I hope they'll reach you to tell you how much I appreciate your existence in my life.

To Somz ♥

OMG Girl, I've missed you like hell!! I'm sorry that our plans get ruined each time we decide or set a date. I miss having you around and how we get crazy together and simply enjoy our time. I miss hanging out with you till late at night. I miss writing poems and songs with you where we laugh out loud for making out a weird or messy line. I still don't clearly remember how we got together, but I remember how we got to know each other in John Abraham's class. You're my dearest sister and my best friend who I love and adore so much. I can't wait to see your lovely daughter and sit with you to have a good chat. I missed you a lot and I feel like I hadn't seen you for ages. Love you babe! *chuuuuuuu*

PS: I still can't believe that you're graduating and I won't be seeing you in the university again >_<

To Nona ♥

I love how you are there for me when I need to explain something to someone, but I get lost picking the right words.
I love how you share with me the same personality, thoughts, ideas and many other things that cannot be described in words.
I love how we clicked and became friends without realizing at all and how it happened so fast that we don't even remember how it begun.
I love how you calm me with being your presence and assure me that nothing is impossible and we can make it through the day.
You are my second best friend who I truly cherish from the bottom of my heart.
Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa7

PS: Let's enjoy this summer by doing something fun!! ^^

To Soul ♥

I missed you a lot ex-roommate. I was truly happy to know that you're planning on taking the summer course and I can't wait to be your roommate again. I still can't forget how I spent my first year in university homeless staying in your room that contain 5 girls including me, lol. I spent most of my uni life with you as my roommate and I've been missing how that feels like. Although we weren't as close as this during highschool, but you are the closest high school friend to me among all the others. I'm grateful for you for being there for me when I needed your help and a shelter. Hope 3lawee is doing great and don't forget to kiss him for me. Can't wait till you come back to the college. Will be waiting for you!
Love you sweetie! :)

PS: I miss waking up to see you cooking for us the breakfast in the living room!! >.<

To Stranger ♥

I miss how we used to hang out to watch Indian episodes or Japanese funny clips or admire singers and dancers or walk around the dorms for hours and talk like there is no tomorrow. I miss how we both ask each other for advices or opinions on a particular person because we both the type who analyze people and know them after one encounter. I know that I've been very busy to hang with you anymore and most our meetings are in the college and in coincidence. I can't believe that next semester I'm going to go for the internship and the semester that follows, you'll be the one going to the internship and so we won't be able to hang out like before again. But thankfully, we have this summer and I can't wait to enjoy it with you. Love you girl! CLICK! ^___^

PS: Lets hang out this week whenever you're free.

-------

Will continue with the letters later..

XOXO

...

How does it feel when you find yourself going around a circle not knowing your destination as if you're driving into a roundabout continuously without stopping??

The outcome will simply be feeling dizzy and fidgety.

Imagine been through a week where all you can feel is pure stress, tiredness and hunger to sleep normally. And after going through such a week and instead of getting what you wanted which is a simply appreciation, you get the opposite instead crashing you real hard in unexpected way.

And here I was, believing little bit about the "Law of Attraction" and how if I believed in something, I will get it which I did. I believed that we're going to knock them down with our demo and presentation, but unfortunately, it didn't happen.

I still can't forgive the teacher at all for killing my hopes like that. I don't hate him, but I feel like I truly don't want to see him ever again in my life. I wonder when I became this person, who holds grudges against people. I still remember the time when I used to be a kid, with a big white heart pure as the snow who couldn't hate anyone even if she tried to.

I guess, there will come a time when I will go through a situation as twice as bad as this one that will make me laugh at this memory thinking that this was definitely nothing.

Thinking about the future scares me. Even though I sometimes complain about university, I wonder how things will be for me after I graduate. Where will I work? How will it be like? What about marriage? Kids? Responsibility? Busy life? More stress? No time for fun? All this keeps running through my head all the time helping me to be patient through the one year left for me in the university knowing that, it will be nothing compared to the outside world far away from the university walls that are protecting us.

So here I am, alone, wondering, about the future, remembering the past and living the present...

PS: Thanks Nona for the picture! ^___^

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!!

Yesterday, my cousin has turned one year older to finally reach 21 years old in total. This girl have always gave me a hard time with her sharp tounge, but I swear
I just love how cuuuuute she is and her adorable smile although I think that she laughs a lot causing her to end up in embarassing situations, LOL!!

Unfortunately, we haven't planned for her party during the weekend, so we decided to act fast by the help of the whole gang, hahaha.
So, we throwed her a party yesterday midnight, had to cancel my meeting and the other gang had to cancel and ignore a lot of their tasks and homework, but it was worth it.
I had fun especially taking pictures which is something I always love to do. *grins*

After making us wait for her for almost one hour in order to surprise her, we finally celebrated her birthday! ^___^


Don't you wish to sleep on them??


This is the card I made for her. It sucks though!! >_<


No fancy shoes!! Can you guess which was mine? ^__^


My favorite part of the party!! Candles are ♥!!


Different angles of the candles! I almost took more than 30 shots for them, LOL!


I loved the heart shape the most, but who doesn't?? o_O


These were out simple gifts. Nothing fancy, but the thought what counts, right?


I just loved this tissue box that belongs to my friend. So cuuute!!


My friend lighting the candles and burning her fingers.


We put everything you can think of on the bed, hehehe.

Confusion

What is it that I'm feeling at the moment?? Confusion is surrounding my heart and mind and I can see the path no more.

I wonder how judges feel when they have to make their decision about the suspect, guilty or not, knowing that many lives are counting on them.
The victim, the victim family, the suspect and the supect family. It's the same as doctors, one mistake can kill a patient although it's probably the fate that planned it in that way. Then, what about me? Why am I in this confusion when many poeple are telling me that the decision is easy.

Pick those who love you because you can guarantee they will stay with you forever, but what if I'm the one who is going to walk away?
What if he wasn't my soulmate, the one I dreamed about for my whole life?? What is it that I'm feeling inside that keeps me from agreeing???

Am I truly in love?? But then, how can I know if I was?? I never been in love before, what are the symptoms?? Will someone answer me??

Blank Status

What is it that I'm going through lately? I learned that I should follow my heart and emotions and never go against them to avoid trusting people they are not worth it...

However, if I did follow my heart, how will my future be? I always wonder!

Won't it be amazing if we could just see a little bit or just a single shot from our future??
I know that it could be a bless for some, but hell for others; therefore, it's amazing how God prevented a disaster by unabling us humans to be able to see what the future holds knowing how awful the effect will be, so I'm not complaining.

I wish my mind can operate normally soon, I still can think, but all my thoughts are mixed up and I feel like I'm thinking of hundred thoughts at the same time resulting in thousands of thoughts in a day. Sleeping has became useless when I keep having dreams re-living my day and my reaction to some situations as if I'm going through a revision.

Will this last only for the end of this semester? Is it resulted from my tough schedule and six courses? Or, is it a result of my heart fighting with my mind, each trying to prove their point to the other???
.........

Sky Of L♥ve

I just finished watching Koizora ~ Sky of love drama which is only 6 episodes long; however, I wasn't ready to cry this much. My eyes now are totally red as if they are bleeding blood or something. I cried a lot and now I'm feeling exhausted and tired. Can't describe how I feel really, the story touched me real bad. I always have loved the sky and it always meant something special to me, so seeing it being appreciated and mentioned a lot in the drama made me so happy. But, I truly can't stop feeling bad for Mika (the heroine), she's really pitiful. I can't believe that this drama is based on a true story because it's just too sad, but one of my friends has gone through such pain as well and it keeps getting worse with other problems and the loss of other people as well, so I truly believe that such thing can happen to anyone, but hopefully NOT to me, I won't be able to live after losing someone I love especially if it was a lover since I am the type once in love, will do and give anything to the one I love with all my heart to the point where my life will mostly revolve around him and HIM only.

God! I'm starting to have a headache after all those tears, this is why I didn't want to watch it in the first place, but I don't regret it. It's truly worth watching. I don't know about the movie, but this drama was AMAZING! The acting wasn't as great as I thought it would be, but its good because I won't be crying if I didn't get emotionally involved with the characters, right?? But truly, I knew how it will end, but I kept praying that it won't end in that sad way; however, it actually did and made me disappointed although there is a part where I didn't get what does it say. So, Mika end up having a kid at the end of the drama, whose that girl is?? Is she's Hiro's daughter (she discovered that she's pregnant from him after a while from his death)or does it mean that Mika got married now and is leading a happy life??? I know that the later is the answer although I'm wishing for the first assumption to be the right one, so at least, Mika will have something from Hiro to always remember and treasure. ♥♥

Anyway, love is amazing isn't it? I truly wish I could fall in love with someone who loves me that much to do anything to go to the extent of preventing me from feeling pain even if he does feel it because that is true love, without any selfishness and always sacrificing yourself for your lover thinking of him/her before yourself. It's a love I'm sure all of us whether we are girls/guys dream of!! I wonder if someday I'll be able to have such an amazing relationship with a wonderful love like that! This drama made me wonder a lot about the future and how freaked out I would be once I get a love like that because the thought of losing it would be always there as well. The drama that goes in my friends' lives and now this one, makes me more determined to always show those who surround me how much I love them whether they are friends, family or my soul mate. I hope someday you'll be able to read this and know how I feel for all of you.

♥ To my family ♥

Sorry for always giving you a hard time, I know I'm acting like a spoiled rat sometimes, but I swear, I just love you all so much to the extent where I get suffocated till I cry when I merely imagine losing you or have nightmares on such things. I can't live without any of you although I know no one is going to live forever. I just wish that my day will come before any of you, so I won't be the one feeling pain which is a selfish thing to ask for since I know you all will feel the pain instead. May God always protect you, bless you and treasure you for me because I would lose a part from myself if I lost any of you. You mean the world to me and although I know all of you will be shocked to know this and probably won't believe me as well because I suck in showing it to all of you, but let me just tell you something I truly believe in: "Love isn't something that always has to be said, it's something that is shown. I might not always be there with you all and I do spend time by myself in my room more than I spend it with you, but you're always on my mind and my heart. For me, love is not about distance because I would always love you no matter where I was or how far I am from you. Love is all about how much you treasure someone and how much you think about someone, so even though I'm not there all the time, I would like you to know that I treasure you all so much that you pop up all the time on my mind and I can't stop thinking about any of you..". so, believe me when I say: I Love you all ♥♥

♥ To my friends ♥

I can't believe that at some point in my life, I hated something called friends and I could only see them as people who only know how to betray! I came to understand the true meaning of friendship after going through a lot of hardships that although they were painful and remembering them makes my heart ache all over, but I don't regret being through them and I don't regret the pain that I felt or the betrayal that I've been through because everything that happened taught me who is the true friend and taught me how to treasure them! I lived a part of my life without friends and it wasn't as everyone says it is, impossible, but it sure is not the same and you keep feeling that there is an empty space in your heart need to be filled by the love of your friends!! I'm so grateful to God for writing me my fate. I'm so glad that I was able to meet great friends that became connected to my heart and soul. I even have more than one best friend which is an amazing feeling. I wouldn't trade you guys for anything no matter what anyone says. I simply love you without having great reasons because I truly believe that we don't need a reason to love someone! I know I'm not a good person in showing her emotions to others, but I want you all to know and be sure that I truly TRULY LOVE you from the bottom of my heart. XOXO ♥♥

♥ To my soul mate ♥

I hope that I will be able to meet you soon. For my whole life, I've been waiting patiently for you to show up, melt my heart and take away all the pain I ever felt in my life replacing it with only happiness. I know that we might have fights, big fights, but I promise you that at the end of the day, I'll make you forget what the fight was about and it'll be like nothing ever happened. I saved everything for you to have, my heart, my soul and my life so I hope you did save yours for me. I hope that you will teach me how to say "I love you" directly into your eyes, without being embarrassed or thinking about my pride! I hope that you'll be a gentle, funny, caring, possessive, jealous person and give me hard times sometimes, no let's say rarely, I don't want to end up not having my way sometimes ~ hehe!! Don't be afraid from my past because I never loved anyone before because I've been waiting to have you as my first and last love. I might give you headaches sometimes especially when it comes to my taste in food, but I know that you'll give me headaches at a lot of different things, so we're even then, LOL!! I promise you that I'll do my best in order to make you happy or actually make us both happy as long as you give me as much as I give you and we trade our love with each other. Waiting for you, hoping that our meeting will be soon! ♥♥

Wow, it's 8:41 am now and I'm still not sleeping. I have a big day tomorrow or actually today since I need to go back to the dorms, so I'm out for today. Wishing to everyone who reads this a good day and a happy life with your beloved ones. An advice, Treasure those who you love and show them your feelings in your own way so that you will never regret not doing it!! ^__^

Oyasumi Nasai ~

Ringing on the Mind ♥

Whoever didn't listen to Usher's new song called "His Mistakes", you can hear the song in this post as well as its lyrics. It's been a long time since the last time I got affected by a song real bad. I heard this song in a time where I needed to open my eyes on things I never realized or noticed before; therefore, it has a special place in my heart. I know a few people who live in the same way this song describes, blaming someone who isn't at fault just because she/she once were hurt badly. I truly believe betrayal is very hard to take and handle because those who were betrayed will never forget the betrayal or the betrayer and even though they will move on with their lives thinking that they are finally over it and everything is alright, they'll unconsciously will keep wondering about the next betrayal. I had one of those betrayals, not a love betrayal though, but betrayals have the same effect on people even if the type was different. Hope this song will ring a bell in those people who went through such betrayals and open their eyes to the pain they might be causing to their beloved ones without noticing or having any intention to do so.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I finally decided to watch the Japanese Dorama Koizora during this weekend. I don't know why, but I'm totally in the mood to cry myself out probably to release all my stress and confusion. I think I'll spend my weekend watching any sad movie/drama/tv series just to let everything out before my next week midterms which I need to focus on. For those who want to download the drama, just click on Koizora and you'll be able to download the whole 6 episodes in mp4 format. ^__^

I found some pictures I always wanted to post them here, but never got the chance to do so. I finally decided that it's about time that I carry with those plans and upload them here. All of them were taken by me on my digital Kodak camera. I don't like the quality of the camera though and I'm planning on buying a new one, just once I save some amount of my allowance which I never do, xD! No modifications was done except adding my signature on Photoshop.

The Loop



CHILL OUT Cafe!!


The Red Thorns


The Nightly Road

I CAN'T GET ENOUGH!!

Do you know the feeling where you just have to do something everyday no matter what especially because it makes you feel good, better and in best shape mentally and physically. The weird thing that this 'something' is hated by almost everyone surrounding you. One word I got to say to you people which is "WHATEVER!!".

As long as I know what I'm doing isn't wrong, I don't really care much about your opinions. I live my life the way I want and no one can stop me or judge me except GOD. I always have loved the song "Only God Can Judge Me" because it is very true and it's my quote in life. I feel like it describes my character because even though I might make some remarks about someone, in reality, I don't really care what they do because it's up to them. Everyone have the right to make their own choices in life whether we like it or not and that how life is. I hate when someone tries to change you to their liking because they are having a tough time handling you which is stupid because you can never change someone to fit your ideas, believes and character.

Anyway, I have no idea why am I talking about life and people , it just came to my shattered mind >_<

So lately, food from our college isn't working for me. I have a stomach aches all the time and I sometimes end up throwing up just because I ate a spaghetti or Caesar salad, it's awful. I always say it's the last day I'm eating this food, but it never is because hunger force me to eat.

I'm currently SO SLEEPY, but I guess things never change for me and I'm still in the same way I am, I'm even still addicted to the same old things I'm always addicted to and one of those thing is KAT-TUN. I've been listening to their songs a lot lately, I simply LOVE their MUSIC. Kame is just cuuuuuuute and adorable that I'm falling in love! :P

I connected my phone to my laptop and found some pictures I wanted to upload although of its poor quality. All the images below were taken by my HTC Diamond phone by me.

The current weather outside!!



A breathtaking scene from my trip to an island


My favorite spot at home!


The first Arabic Speaker Robot "Ibn Sina"


We grow them at home, it has an AMAZING taste!!


I'm out for today!

Discover Your Personality!

I love personality tests because sometimes it gives you ideas of what you need to change. So, I took one of the those tests earlier and the result wasn't as I expected, but it's not bad either. Here is the link for the test: http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl

My personality as a result is:

INFJ: "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1% of the total population. These are serious students and workers who really want to contribute. They are private and easily hurt. They make good spouses, but tend to be physically reserved. People often think they are psychic. They make good therapists, general practitioners, ministers, and so on.

The good thing is that it shows I'm a person with a rare personality which is COOL!! I would hate if I was a regular type of person. It also says something that couple of friends used to call me which is a psychic because I can read characters from a first encounter. Go ahead and try the test yourself! ^^

Falling in a fight for the Right Path

God, it's been a long time since I last updated my blog, but how can I do so when everything in my life is pulling me away from the things I love and a big part of that is because of school. Have you ever felt awful to the point of suffocating and not being able to catch up your breath?? It's the way I'm feeling right now. The paths I have to choose are all life matters that I know will leave a big affect on my life.

Right now, I'm feeling like a bird who just loves flying, but going to lose her wings if she chose the wrong path or step. She might choose a path where someone with a gun is waiting to hunt her or another path where she might get attacked by another wild bird.

Till now, I never had to make a choice between two things, I always knew what I wanted. I wanted to be in science department in high school, a student in Information Technology College and specialize in Software Engineering and probably complete my Master Degree in Game Development. So, I've never been under the pressure of choosing one thing among two things, but lately, that was changed. I have to make a choice which will affect my whole future. I tried everything I can in order to make the right choice, I even wrote a list containing the good and bad things regarding each option which didn't work out. I tried other things like talking to my friends and gaining more opinions on the matter, but that didn't resolve my dilemma. So, I thought about imaging and predicting the future for each option. So far, I only could predict and imagine one future and couldn't do the same for the other; therefore, I have to think of something else to compare between the two options because my last thought didn't work out as well.

My mind can't handle thinking 24 hours a day. I truly need to make up my mind quickly or else I'll keep up not being able to sleep, thinking all night long till the morning which is affecting very badly on my health and my energy. Recently, I feel exhausted and in a total different world most of the time. I'm really lost and I try my best to look the strongest girl ever, but this is killing me mentally. However, I decided to open up to some of my friends, more like best friends and hear their thoughts about the whole matter. For once, I truly appreciate friendship and realize how magnificent it is to have a friend and not just any friend, a friend you trust and has a big part in your heart.

I just want to thank Nona for being there for me when I need her and how she supports me and realize my dreams and hopes. You truly opened my eyes to things I never even noticed before, God, I just love you girl!! I can't believe that we didn't get to be friends before, and now this semester you're graduating, but I know deep inside that you'll always be one of my best friends that I truly trust and hopefully my partner in A Games company in the future!

Somz, you, being there just comforts me. You truly one of my best friends and I can never picture my life without you there. I love you a lot sweetie and I love hearing your thoughts and getting your opinions because we somewhat has the same mind.

3laya, you are awesome and cool! I don't think I'll be able to handle the fact that most of my friends are going to graduate this semester if you weren't with me. I'm glad that you always there when I need you and how you remind me of important things that I need to see. Love you hon!!